I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
