why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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