remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
