I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Randomize
