I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
