well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
