I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
