We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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