Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
