Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
