I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
