Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
