Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Why are your pants in the freezer?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
