Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
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pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
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Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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