I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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