What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
