I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
