hotel room ftw
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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