the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
