i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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