There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
