at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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