If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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