i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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