if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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