I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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