i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
