Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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