She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
