Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
