just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize