If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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