I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
