I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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