I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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