we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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