I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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