dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts