she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
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In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
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I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house