I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
