well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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