You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
