what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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