My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
