just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
