His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I stole a fireplace last night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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