If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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