I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
