I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im holly from the hills drunk
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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