I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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