Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
