turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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