Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just high enough for therapy.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
