We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
