Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
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I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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