Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This is my gift to your gina
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
