I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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