Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
